kill your boredom

Hello friends,

This time I am going to share with you some of the funny games I played while on an outing or during my shopping with family. The fact is that whenever you go shopping with women (my mom and sister)...you had to wait a lot as they take their sweet time. So I had devised a plan to escape my boredom during this time!!...

It just started as an innocent observation....I used to watch the people coming for shopping, their attire, accessories...and above all their personality...(it only include how they looked to me in my brief span of my attention). Then I used to rate them out of 10 in fashion....Its a well known game though...but I hadn't had that idea then.

So slowly it just became like a survey...say in 10 minutes..I watch 100 people and I would found out that 40% are below 5 and 30% are within 5 to 7 and other 20% are from 7 to 9. 10 I rarely got....surely it was my own view and my opinion doesn't matter much in national survey ( I don't follow any particular fashion nor I am interested)..It was just their personality...enhanced by their accessories that I checked.

Another curious thing I noticed was that the youngsters mostly try to look fashionable ....(sometime wearing things that doesn't suit them but yet had attitude)..some were looking for attention and some are giving a damn for others..well their are a lot other thing I tried to obverse and rate yet I wasn't that good in others. Then their is another one I tried when I was riding my bike. It was like how many guys are travelling with a 100 cc bike and how many in 125cc or more...and result is all known...100cc bikes were very less or older but these new pulsar,CBZ ..these were the new trends of guys who wana look cool...but then I had to give attention my driving instead so it didn't worked as a survey.

anyway, These are few interesting things to observe people that really kill your boredom..hope you enjoyed the read and please share with me your ways or games you played in such situations....!

A poetic story

Hello friends...

guess if I had to make a story of a gal being with his boyfriend for some mistake..something big off course..So, what could be their poetic conversation ...lemme try this one..new thing for me so I will be happy of your reaction in it!!

It's guy's pleading to her girlfriend :-

"I am sorry, ohh me..
the mistakes I had done..
I confess all wrongs..
girl don't leave me..
being so deserted...all I feel!!."

"I know you will not forgive..
nor these flowers or cards..
clock swings, heart twinges..
waiting over as you flings,
ohh baby, why are you angry..
why are you moving away.."

It's her reply :-

"I believed you blindly..
didn't doubted your intentions,
even if you were far,
being so popular at bar,
all the gals around you!!"

"waited for you on dates..
never asked a question for delay..
each time you lied..yet I had faith..
today no more..not any more!!
I loved you but it's goodbye!"

Guy panicked for he had discovered the true love...

"I know I was wrong,
taking you for granted is all I do,
but I am ashamed..guilty now..
another chance is all I wish now!!.."

"I will not disappoint you,
faithful is the least I could do,
I am genuine, I am true...
I love me...just don't go!!"

Gal had made her mind..and he deserved the fate!!

"I would savour the moment with you.
remember the days I lived,
maybe I would miss you some days,
yet I will not forgive ...
it's your fault that I had to leave!!"

So, The moral of the story is...never hurt those who loves you!!...
{another one is..don't double cross..Be happy with one girlfriend ....correct yourself before it gets late..OR....make sure they don't catch you..ha ha}

How's this poetic story??

Economics of Relationships

Before you read further let me make a disclaimer!

             The text written below has multiple connotations, interpretations and significance which would vary at an individual level. It might appear to be the stupidest thought to a few, wacky to some and geeky to most people. And there might be a small section of people who understand something of game theory and probably would be able to understand the pervasiveness of economics and its application not only in business but also in personal life.

         But as usual it doesn’t offer any solution to the problem. It identifies it and goes deep into the rational of why the problem arises at the first place. Probably identification is the first step towards reaching a solution.

At the same time it also deals with the rationale of the irrationality of the so called rational human behavior.

It tries to understand why some good people remain unhappy in relationships while many not so good people are found to be much happier and relaxed. 

       Let’s first understand the application of game theory in the world of relationships and seek an answer to the observed behavior of people around us.

       Now in the above matrix, if one out of the two is not serious, while the other is the resulting pay off is highly unfavorable to the one who is serious. This is very evident and self explanatory. It’s always the one who is serious and gets dumped cries, while the other partner after having all the fun and frolic moves ahead. Now as a logical human behavior both partners should be serious and committed to each other to attain maximum satisfaction and utility. In economic terms both being serious should have been the “Desired Equilibrium” 

        However here lies the catch and a proof that the behavior of people might not be always rational and there will be various occasions when they settle for the 2nd best optimal solution rather than the best available opportunity.

        In this case there is an intrinsic fear in both the partners that if the latter is not serious, the former would have to pay a heavy price. And hence both of them end up being not so serious in their relationship. This leaves them with no real gains and utility.

        We all know that the best utility ad highest level of satisfaction would have been achieved only when both the partners are serious and that is the ideal and rational expected behavior. However the application of game theory helps us understand the irrationality in the otherwise rational human behavior. 

        Thus we see how pervasive Economics as a discipline is. For all those who have no background in economics this was possibly the easiest explanation of the application of game theory in our everyday human life.

 

This is what I call as “Economics of Relationships”

P.S. The origin of thought came after I saw Arvind devastated... :P

Valentines Day! its approaching........wat does it mean to you?
It has a significant role in ppls life......yes ofcourse! everybody knows that (wats so special bout this blog then?)but @ My Digital Wall.....u get to see it from my point of view.
So, clear ur brain, flush ur toilet.....oops thought, relax ur eyes and open ur hearts.....here goes.

The School Kid
Target: The Most Beautiful Girl of Class (possibly the Monitor too!)
Commitment Level: Huh?? Its "Ranbir Katrina Love" dude!
Story: Dude buys an expensive card, lets the story to 10 other classmates and make them all swear on their mommy's name not the tell 'her'.......eventually the chick knows before the dude himself! Dude is totally pwned.....and buries the card in his bag, chick waits restlessly, eagerly, enthusiastically, (though wont show) ultimately thinks the dude is a looser.......so does other classmates.......chicks goes out with a 10th grader.....HEARTBREAK!

The Senior School Kid
Target: The Girl on the desk in front, behind, left, right maybe the English teacher!
Commitment Level: Serious Man! Ofcourse with them all! .......alright who ever says 'Yes' first, Okay!
Story: Alright the teacher thing was jst a fantasy so lets first strike it out, the chicks in front, behind, left, right get the personalized cards maybe bouquets, chocolates teddies et al! left and right is are 'pinky friends' (i hv absolutely no idea wat that means) so the dude get a black eye! LOL behind is already making out with the head boy (wat else would a chick do in the backbench dude!!!) the one in front is a total geek......and is now all over our dude.........dude runs for his life and rep..............HEARTBREAK!!

The College Stud
Target: Girlfriend's Hot Friend (ooooh yess!)
Commitment Level: WTF???
Story: Both know each other quiet well already, they have even been on picnics, shopping and yeah know each others dark secret too! (thru the same source ofcourse) .......................................................another HEARTBREAK!

The College 'Cool' Dude
Target: All Junior Chicks (batch mates r 'no good')
Commitment Level: 100%* (*valid till farewell)
Story: 'no good''s were awesome till last year when the last attempt eventually at the least favorite girl (going in descending order) failed. Now dude has a say over junior batches uses his seniority to the fullest, calls a junior enquirs and updates the database about the junior chicks..........fact is the same junior who enriched our dude with the database is in love with the chick. senior tries his best but eventually junior dude walks away with the prize, dude pwned.............................HEARTBREAK!

The College Anonymous
Target: Any Thing Thats Remotely Female and Has Two Legs (Homo sapiens Thank GAWD!)
Commitment Level: LOL!
Story: This can be better explained in Counter Strike Lingo! wat happens when you 'SPRAY'??? the world knows your r on a 'Killing Spree' you end up wasting all your ammos and hardly puncture a hole in their kevlar! Yeah occasionally when lady luck is on your side you might bring one birdy down! ;) To summaries the world knows about your infamous deeds, you may end up with a proper 3D girlfriend if you have been stuck by lightning before and walked away with your cellphone recharged or run over by a train and survived with just a scratch on ur arm................in most cases pwned...............HEARTBREAK!

The Roadside Romeo 
Target: The Girl Next Door (possibly named Sunita, Dolly, Sapna, Harminder, Sandhya, Kammo no offence yaar)
Commitment Level: Depends on the latest Ravi Kisan Movie
Story: in a country of 1.2 billion its difficult not to find one anywhere! well for a roadside romeo, its a big day! one would spend all his savings to buy one red rose, one archies card that would say "will you fraaandseep with me?" a dairy milk chocolate and maybe a teddy bear! to give to his 'saccha pyaar'. Dude would set his Tere Naam hairdo, and wait at the street where his lady love passes while goin to her degree college. Dude pulls all the courage in his gut to his legs to walk up to her and say "XYZ Ji,Please wait....errr........I Love You....here i have gifts for you" and she replies "Oh MY! thanx a lot, I Love You Too!!". Coming back to reality dude sweats totally pwnd, eventually send the chai wala "chotu" to her.....she accepts the gift not knowing who was the generous guy...............*NO FURTHER IDEA*

The Dreamer
Target: Katrina Kaif (and similar unrealistic goals)
Commitment Level: Higher than Burj Dubai!
Story: Began with Boom.......doubled with Namaste London...........multiplied with Welcome.........squared with Race.........continues with Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahani.........goes gawd knows whr!
dude watches movies downloads wallpapers updates status msg in her love.......writes blog.....declares to his frnds to refer to her as 'bhabhi' and cries when sees her shed cloths on screen.....................HEARTBREAK!

The Loner
Target:
Commitment Level: N/A
Story: hates V-Day................says "have no interest in girls!!" :O does nt realize its 2010. ppl 'interpret' it (obviously!) frnds avoid any physical contact.......horror for room mate............*WTF*

The Happy Go Lucky
Target: None (does nt walks around with a cross-hair!)
Commitment Level: Smile to Happiness
Story: cheerful dude...........the joker in the pack..........flirts with all the girls........make any girl his 'official valentine' (jst to cheer her up, even though she may nt be upset)..........has a candle light dinner with his grandma on valentines day........... eventually puts a smile on everyones face..................HEARTBEAT!


Next Post from 'The Other Side' ;)

Feeling of Freedom

As I was updating my knowledge on BBC.com I found this bizarre event (well for us at least). And the event was NO PANTS DAY !!!

Hmm..

It’s a prank event which began….. I don’t know, though I did try to search its historical origins but then who cares about history. What happens is, people strip their pants and mingle with others feeling as if there is nothing strange about it. Well try celebrating this event here in INDIA!

It’s a fun event for both the audience and the performers (well let us give some credit to them by calling them performers) but the main reason is to break the social taboo. Oh wait is wearing pant a social taboo, now that’s what I call a real update.

Gaffes in time of terror

I have a tip for all terrorists and criminals of the world: If you have to get caught, then get caught in India. Apparently, escaping is not too difficult here. Don't believe me, ask those 3 Pakistani terrorists (if you find them) after they escaped from a hospital in Delhi.
If Pakistani nationals can escape so easily, imagine how easy their Indian counterparts (in the terror world) will find it to disappear. No wonder crime is such a high-paying job in our country. Actually, finding this trio could be well-paying too, with the benevolent Delhi police announcing a reward of Rs 50,000 each for their capture. They didn’t use the ‘dead or alive’ tag though. I guess they don’t want to sound like a version of the Taliban. Anyway, with Delhiites turning trigger-happy, we would have had a lethal free-for-all on the roads. As if killer drivers weren’t enough.
It's been over a year since the Delhi serial blasts and the Mumbai attacks — brazen attacks on India's national capital and financial capital — and yet security is not a word Delhi seems to be familiar with. CCTV cameras don't work, traffic is a mess and to add to the muddle, there's the impending Commonwealth Games. I guess calling it a security nightmare will be an understatement. And with rogue cops like Rathore and Tandon not doing much for their image either, I'd say this is not a good time to be a cop.
Coming back to the disappearing act by the Pakistani nationals, I wonder what they were doing in the city in the first place. Seriously, did they think they were on vacation? Weren't these upright citizens from the 'friendly' neighbourhood arrested for planting a bomb near the Delhi airport?
Here's what I think happened. I guess somebody told them: "Look fellows, you've had your holiday in jail. Now, you're reformed citizens. So, don't do anything bad. Feel free to roam the city. Even look at potential bombing sites. Just don't go planting any more bombs."
"The temperature outside is 10 degrees C. Thank you for flying…er choosing the Indian legal system."
Really, what was the government thinking? Imagine you are a hardcore terrorist. You've just been released after serving your term. What next? “I think I'll go check out the Qutub Minar. I've heard it's really tall. Oh, and I'll also catch the new Aamir movie. It got 4 stars dude. After that, if I am in a good mood, I'll bomb the mall." All in a day's work.
I think somebody forgot to mention the word 'deportation' to the concerned authorities. Shoart-taarm memory loss, eh?
Anyway, if you see three suspicious looking jihadis around, finish the incomplete work of the government. Direct these guests in our country to the nearest airport, shopping mall or railway station, and kiss your rear end goodbye. Unless you want the reward, that is.
PS: Here’s what I learnt from the terrorists: When in Rome, feel free to roam.

Spot the match between the ads

I have come to the conclusion that watching a cricket match is the ultimate test of a person’s patience. By that reasoning we might as well be a nation of a billion monks. But I am not referring to the highs and lows of a cricket match that goes down to the wire. It’s those wretched advertisements that raise my BP.
Seriously, the number of advertisements during a cricket match may actually be the reason behind the increasing number of bald men in the country, who tear out their hair in frustration every time an over is interrupted by an ill-timed ad, usually of a cricketer selling us a pen or something.
Imagine Yuvraj just getting out to a yorker. As you wait with bated breath for the replay to vent frustration at the batsman, you are suddenly assaulted by the same Yuvraj exhorting you to consume health supplement capsules. The channel then jumps to live action just as the bowler is approaching the crease. Whatever happened between those precious few minutes is lost forever, relegated to the hard-drives of sports channels, not considered important enough for us dim-witted viewers.
Advertisers are now coming up with new and innovative ways to seek our attention. Gone are the days when the camera would pan during the change of ends to show the fielder digging his nose or the batsman indulging in some barely legal ‘excavations’ into his groin area. Now, even the single being taken is shown in a smaller window, with the rest of the TV showing a ‘mini ad’.
Even the radio is not immune to the vagaries of the ad world. Tune into a live broadcast and after every boundary you’ll hear something on the lines of “yeh laga ‘idiot cream’ chauka!” It’s as if the boundary wouldn’t have come if the cream company hadn’t paid for it. What’s next? Soon we’ll have companies queuing up to sponsor every single moment on the screen. If a player sneezes on screen, an inhaler ad could pop up and when a player does an itchy and scratchy display, the relevant ointment could make an appearance.
In the midst of all this madness, it’s the viewer who suffers (unless he has an itchy groin). Take Sachin’s Hyderabad epic. He spent hours on the field during that breathtaking knock but we may have ended up seeing more of Dhoni, Yuvraj and Shah Rukh Khan selling us everything from mobile phones to chyawanprash.
I know that ads are not something we can do away with. But my question to the broadcasters is, do you really have to ruin the match experience for us? Not that they are listening. But since cribbing is a national pastime, it’s not going to stop me from complaining. I think the only option now is to run an ad to protest the deluge of ads during a cricket match. It’ll need to have some cricketers though, to grab viewer attention.
PJ of the week:
Fan 1: It was a great match man. If only India had won.
Fan 2: Yeah, then it would have been a match made in heaven.

From Talibanland, with love

The Taliban seems to have dethroned H1N1 as the most feared entity on the planet (apart from petrol prices and Mamata didi).

To celebrate the milestone, some leaders of the peace-loving organization decided to come out of the closet…er I mean in the open, to let the world know more about them through a no-holds barred interview. So, here's a world exclusive interview with a heavily armed Taliban having a warped sense of humour. Kindly consume the following with a truckload of salt.

Q. The Taliban is such a large organization. Where do you get the finances for the fight against the US and Nato forces?
A. Tax, baby. Entertainment tax. Channels like Jazz Aleera have to pay us every time they broadcast a message. In fact, they have to pay extra for star performers like Osama bin Laden. Our sister concern Qal-Aida has been very profitable in this regard. We also make money by routinely performing exotic dances on the Pakistan border. These are rare moves taught to us by an entertainment powerhouse called ISI. I believe they are very popular in India.

Why does the Taliban insist on men keeping beards?
Oh, it’s a long story. We had a leader… he was one lovely terrorist. Heck, he put old Osama to shame. Anyway, once when he was shaving, he nicked himself with a Gillette razor. That dude, may he rest in peace, was one sharp fox. He immediately recognized the razor as a weapon of mass destruction planted by the Americans. Since then one of our favourite slogans has been ‘Grin and Beard it’.

Why do you keep abducting people?
What else can we do for fun. Life is so boring here. TV is banned. Most sports are looked down upon. What else will a poor terrorist do to pass time. Man, you people are cruel.

But why abduct journalists in particular?
Have you read some of the stuff they write? We have to nip the menace in the bud…before they make other readers cringe. It’s a public service really. I suggest you propose our name for the next Nobel. After all we’ve been in human resources far longer than Barack Obama. Now they’ve started spreading the poison on blogs too. (Looking up at the sky with a pained expression) Is no place sacred anymore??

OK, let’s switch to some personal questions. What kind of music do you guys listen to?
Hip-hop. Usually with some macabre lyrics about death and guns sung in a nasal Arabic accent. The singer should ideally be wearing a baseball cap. Actually, I prefer anything I can dance to. (Does a small jig by moving his hips while holding his AK-47 above his head and sings) “I like to move it, move it”. I love Britney man. She looked so good with a shaved head. Can you get me an autographed CD?

Er, I’ll see what I can do. So you only like dance music?
(Glares at reporter) What do mean? We love all kinds of music. The Taliban anthem is ‘Knock Knock, Knocking On Heavens Door’. The fidayeen squad prefers ‘Suicide Is Painless’. (mumbles under his breath) Young generation has no taste these days.

What about art? Didn’t the Taliban destroy the Bamiyan Buddhas?
That was a mistake. We like art. In fact we want to request India to send across madam Mayawati. Only she can help erect statues in Afghanistan. Anyway, art is not just sculpture. We love movies too. My favourite is Rambo-III where a long-haired jihadi turns some mean infidel Russians into sheesh kebab.

That was no jihadi. That was Sylvester Stallone playing John Rambo. An all-American war hero out to rescue his friends.
What! (The militant is evidently upset. He is reaching for his AK-47. I guess this interview is over).

Disclaimer: Taking my articles seriously can be injurious to your sense of humour. Please note that this blog is only intended to lampoon people and events.

If Asterix was made in Bollywood

Warning: If you are looking for a serious read on a newsworthy topic, you are on the wrong page. Finishing the article may require a swig of magic potion.
The little Gaul with a golden beard is celebrating a Golden Jubilee. Yessir! Asterix may still be a young bachelor looking for new adventures, but the comic has touched 50 glorious years. (Asterix appeared for the first time in print in the French magazine Pilote on October 29, 1959.)
The comics about a magic potion-guzzling, boar-eating, Roman-bashing tribe has had us rolling on the floor for years. These brilliant comics by Goscinny and Uderzo have since been translated into scores of languages and brought alive in cartoons and films. But how about a typical Bollywood masala version?
Some Hindi translations already exist where Dogmatix is referred to as ‘Kutta Bhaunkix’, Cacofonix as ‘Gavaiya Besurix’ and Fulliautomatix is ‘Badbolix Lohatodix’. You’ll either grimace at the puns or laugh at them, but you won’t get a better script for a masala film.
A Gaulish village beating the breakfast out of Roman soldiers may not really be a perfect Bollywood setting, but one can always Indianise it. Why not use the old cliché of the village tormented by a feudal thakur? Just push the years back to the pre-Independence era, add some magic potion along with dollops of defiance and humour to the village and you get an Indianised ‘Gaulish’ village.
Thinking up a script or adapting one from the comics should be left to the experts, so I won’t attempt to bastardize it. But, that won’t stop me from coming up with my own caste for an Indian Asterix film. By Apollo and Minerva, I hope the sky doesn’t fall on my head.
1. Asterix: Aamir Khan
Aamir’s got the mojo. Apart from being the right size, picturing him in something resembling an Asterix getup seems right. He looks just perfect for the role of the intelligent but naughty Gaul who outwits the Romans every time. The Hindi comic called him Esterix. If this movie ever gets made, they’ll hopefully come up with a better name. Come to think of it, if Nasseruddin Shah was any younger, he would have been my first choice.

2. Obelix: Boman Irani
I can already see him blushing while talking to the blonde Panacea. Surely, the versatile Boman Irani in pigtails and pin stripes will be a perfect foil to Aamir as Asterix. There is also the delicate matter of similarity in size. The back-up option: Cyrus Broacha of course. Horizontally-challenged men are not difficult to find but when looking for someone with the comic timing of a Ferrari, it doesn’t get better than these two. Oh and yes, the Vodafone pug can play Obelix’s beloved Dogmatix.
3. Getafix: Anupam Kher
I know what you’re thinking: He’s not tall enough. Getting an exact replica is difficult unless you can rope in Dumbledore from the Potter films. But Kher has the aura of a wise old man. Whatever’s lacking can be fixed with a little more white in the hair and a shiny metal cauldron.

4. Geriatrix: A K Hangal
The rickety old man with the hot young wife. The role was virtually written for Mr Hangal. Same size, age and dare I say, mannerisms. Everyone ages, but Mr Hangal was born old. Anyway, in case he fails to show up, any of the genial old men from Munnabhai-2 can fill in. Interestingly, Geriatrix in the Hindi comics was called ‘Buddhix’.
4b) Mrs Geriatrix: Priyanka Chopra
The resemblance is uncanny. Besides, it gives us a reason to put in a hot babe in the film. We’ll even give her an item number sung by Cacofonix the bard. What will Geriatrix say? “Itna shore kyon hain bhai?”

5. Vitalstatistix: Kader Khan
The only problem with this casting will be to find shield bearers ready to lift Khan. He’s played the henpecked husband in enough films to carry off this one with élan. The backup option for this one should be Deven Bhojani, the talented and plump TV actor seen in Dekh Bhai Dekh and office office series
6. Impedimenta: Kirron Kher
The chief’s fiery wife who mothers the entire village and heckles her husband no end. This one has to go to Kirron Kher. If only she was shorter. The backup: Divya Dutta. And she meets the height criteria too.

7. Unhygienix:  Manoj Pahwa
His cook act in Singh is Kking was hilarious and he definitely looks like him. The roly-poly actor will no doubt elicit a few laughs as the smelly fishmonger. Alternative: Bhojani again. Smell something fishy? It’s all about the waist size.
8. Fulliautomatix: Mukesh Rishi
The beefy dude who played a cop in Sarfarosh kind of fits the bill (and physique). The burly blacksmith pounding the obese stinky fishmonger after an altercation over rotten fish is a given in all Asterix adventures. Backup option can be Puneet Issar.

9. Cacofonix: Sanjay Mishra
Remember Apple Singh from ESPN. Since then he has figured in a host of comic roles. Pretty easy to picture him as the noisy bard. His backup: Ranvir Shoray. I think the story could have an angle where a potion by the druid gives ‘Besurix’ some temporary vocal chords, just to allow some music in the film (and get Priyanka to shake a leg).

There are plenty of other characters in the series like the bumbling pirates, Julius Ceaser, Cleopatra etc. The list is pretty long. Even if a director is brave enough to try a Bharatiya Asterix, it’s too difficult to fit in all characters in one film. One’s thing’s for sure. It’ll be funny as hell. If you don't agree with my choices, feel free to suggest some.

Bombay duck in Mumbai’s muck

MNS men need to lighten up, take a stroll with the wife or go make some friends from other states. In other words, they need to get a life. The way public property seems to get destroyed around them, one would think they work for the civic agencies.

Their uptight behaviour was on display in Bombay when Karan Johar was forced to apologize to Raj Thackeray for using the word Bombay instead of Mumbai in his film 'Wake Up Sid'. With MNS men disrupting the screening, he didn’t have much of a choice. Heck, you send a 6-foot gorilla armed with a lathi to confront me and I’d call him my chahcha if he asks me to. When you can’t beat them, pretend to join them. It’s the law of the urban jungle.

I guess the only motive of this band of thugs seems to be checking people’s spellings and pronounciation. I thought this job was the sole prerogative of the reviled tribe of journalists. Sigh! Times change.

I can imagine a burly MNS worker hauling up an innocent bystander by the collar and asking him to say “Moooom-bai”. It’s quite simple, really. Ever seen Geoffrey Boycott talking about his mother? It’s always moom, never mum. What everyone else says is just “rooobish”.

Let me get this right. These men go around Bombay looking for people, films, and posters etc that stick to Bombay instead of Mumbai? Interesting line of work. But we shouldn’t be complaining. After all, these groups provide hard-working goons employment in these times of recession.

Their buddies in the Shiv Sena targeted Bombay Scottish School and Bombay Dyeing because of their names last year. What’s next? Well, there’s a delicious variety of fish called the Bombay Duck but I think the erudite Sena brass forgot to brand it. Mumbai Duck à la carte doesn’t sound quite right anyway. It seems more apt to describe Vinod Kambli. And what about the Bombay High Court or the Bombay Stock Exchange? Haven’t seen any protests there. I think the next step on their agenda should be to barge into homes of people viewing films like ‘Bombay’ or ‘Bombay Boys’, turn off their TV sets and make them repeat “Mumbai Boys” 100 times.

When these self-proclaimed custodians of Marathi identity can’t find spelling mistakes on hoardings, they target couples in the name of culture. Their highly evolved minds work like this: “Oh! There’s a couple holding hands. Let’s go bash them up.” As the Sena member pounds the hapless couple to a pulp, he’s probably thinking “this should look good on TV tomorrow”.

Don’t get me wrong. These harmless party men are not out-of-control cavemen with repressed memories and dollops of testosterone. They are normal people like you and me. They too have festivals. Their favourite is Valentine’s Day. They celebrate it by annihilating card shops, cafes and restaurants and by thrashing the living daylights out of coy couples who have illusions of romantic freedom.

Sadly, these goons are fritting away their talent. Young, tough men like them should be out on the streets looking for their lost nuts and screws.

Anyway, till they send some lathi-wielding thugs into my office, I am sticking to saying Bombay.

Disclaimer: Taking my articles seriously can be injurious to your sense of humour. Please note that this blog is only intended to lampoon people and events.

Gaddafi, the colourful colonel

Col Muammar Gaddafi has to be one the most entertaining politicians around. I think he’s funnier than most stand-up comics put together. It’s the film industry's loss that he chose a career in politics. And the man does what he wants. Last week, he ranted for 90 minutes at the UN General Assembly when he had been allotted only 15 minutes. His translator actually gave up after some time! The Libyan media later hailed the speech as radical, detailed and in-depth. Heck, if I was part of the Libyan media, I would too. It’s called self-preservation.

The man is a walking, talking B-grade comedy film. Apart from his diatribe against India over Kashmir, he also nailed the rationale behind the birth of Somalian piracy. It’s fish, or the lack of it. Genius, eh? According to the Colonel, India and Japan have wiped out Somalia’s fishing wealth, forcing the Somalis to take up piracy. So, let me get this straight: India’s piracy of fish has led to Somalis turning pirates. Hmmm, something’s definitely fishy here. Maybe some of our Bengali brethren had something to do with it. Lay off those sardines friends …and save the Somalis.

Coming back to Gaddafi, the man knows how to make an entrance. During a recent trip to Italy, the ageing Libyan dictator arrived on a jet, dressed (or overdressed) in military finery, with a few hundred medals and badges, a bright peak cap, and a heavily armed woman on each arm. The voluptuous lady-guards also wore uniforms, apart from very solemn expressions. If this wasn’t real life, it would just be a very bad scene by an underpaid, constipated director. And get this, the women are supposed to be virgins.

The Colonel is quite a character. The man overthrew the Libyan monarchy in 1969 in a bloodless coup. Years later, one of his seven sons masterminded a coup against him and fled to Egypt, only to return after Gaddafi forgave him (‘Mughal-e-Azam’ anyone?). He has two wives and one of them is now in disfavour. I am pretty sure that if someone tries to make a film on him, it will eventually turn into a masala melodrama, even if the director plans a boring documentary.

In 2007, on a visit to Paris, he actually demanded and eventually got some tents pitched outside a hotel. He apparently has a phobia of being confined indoors. So, we had a black tent, with all modern luxuries, in the heart of the city of lights. What can I say? You can take man out of the desert, but you can’t take the desert out of the man.

He is said to have tried the same stunt in New York for the UN summit, but it was dismantled in a jiffy by angry US officials. Apparently, Americans don’t like either tents or Gaddafi. (Later, the tent, with leather couches and coffee tables, was installed again). What’s next? A camel tour through Times Square?

He’s quite the diplomat too. One of his famous quotes goes: “I cannot recognise either the Palestinian state or the Israeli state. The Palestinians are idiots and the Israelis are idiots.” Yessir! He’s as colourful as they come.

Anyway, I think I need to go book some health insurance now, before Gaddafi comes visiting… with those hot bodyguards in tow.

Sexing up cricket

So, Gary Kirsten has discovered the magic mantra for success in cricket: Sex. John Buchanan must be saying, “Dang! Why didn’t I think of that?” I believe the recipe also involves a certain individual called Mister..er Master Bate. You’ve got to hand it to him, eh?

I guess winning matches has nothing to do with hard work or training. All it needs is sex, lots of it. We might as well import some Playboy bunnies for our cricket team. They’ll be better to look at too. Don’t get me wrong. I am not one to preach abstinence, but these new ‘coaching’ techniques are a wee bit difficult to fathom. Having said that, if the team wins with this approach, I’d be the first one celebrating. I mean the coach is not suggesting something unnatural…unless he wants this new ‘training’ done on the cricket pitch.

But if bizarre coaching methods are the order of the day, I have some ideas of my own for Gary and the boys. And like Gary, my ideas may not have much to do with cricket either. Here goes:

Dancing classes: Cricket is all about rhythm and there’s nothing like shaking a leg for dancing down the track. Not only will these lessons improve the footwork of our overpaid cricketers but even make their ads seem more bearable. Remember how Sourav Ganguly tried to match Hrithik Roshan in a motorcycle ad. It was like Mother Teresa taking on Michael Schumaccher in a second-hand ambassador. Sreesanth and Bhajji should be exempt from these lessons. They can be sent to anger-management classes instead.

Law and behold: The latest fashion seems to be filing PILs. People seem to misinterpret the meaning of PIL. It’s in interest of the public and not what the public finds interesting. So, we have PILs filed if cricketers go on a dancing show or wear something ‘inappropriate’ or not turn up at award ceremonies. Soon we’ll have PILs filed against cricketers for doing too many ads or missing catches or not hitting enough sixes. With some concerned citizens tottering on the edge of reason, nothing can be ruled out. We need to train our cricketers to avoid antagonizing such trigger-happy citizens. This should include playing good cricket whenever they get time off from doing ads.

Sledging lessons: Sledging has been turned into an art by the Aussies and Indians too are slowly getting there. Now, it’s time to rope in Steve Waugh as a sledging coach. What’s the point of a tirade in Punjabi if the opponent can’t differentiate between mother and bandar? The best part is the players will be able to get under the skin of the opponent without any alleged simian references.

Acting lessons: It’s unfair to torture your countrymen by ‘pretending’ to act in TV commercials. With the obscene amounts spent on them, companies should be allowed to teach cricketers to act. Remember Rahul Dravid in the jam ads. It went Jam jam jammy…I think he may have put some people off that jam with his poker face. Gambhir, Sehwag and company are following in his footsteps. Thankfully, they all can bat better then they can act. Anyway, acting lessons can also help them feign injury on the field to get a runner or a substitute fielder. It also opens up the Bollywood path.

All in all, train them in anything and everything except cricket. The game, after all, has become just a circus in this country. Who needs talent? The abovementioned training methods, combined with Gary’s carnal coaching manual is enough to produce a complete cricketer.

Captain Afridi

Since I am on one of my cynical tirades, I thought why spare Shahid Afridi. The pathan is Pakistan’s new ODI captain. The same man who stayed 19 years old for something like 5 years. Pakistan cricket doesn’t need the Taliban to do any shooting, they pretty much shoot themselves in the foot every now and then.

Afridi, when he gets going, can be like a hurricane that pulverizes everything in its path. Trouble is, he rarely gets going. Oh! Now I get it. Since he won’t be busy scoring runs, he has more time to think about captaincy moves. Brilliant!

Last I checked, Afridi was the bad boy of Pak cricket. He has been involved in a number of dressing room clashes –physical, not just verbal. Making him captain is like making Attilla the Hun the UN Secretary-General. Anyway, his bowling has improved. Let’s hope he doesn’t send Pak cricket deeper into the swamp of ignominy.

Disclaimer: Taking my articles seriously can be injurious to your sense of humour. Please note that this blog is only intended to lampoon people and events.

Pakistan’s new-clear policy

The political situation in Pakistan is slowly beginning to resemble the climax of a Rajkumar Santoshi comedy. Everybody, it seems, is out to ‘out’ everybody else. And I am not talking about any gay politicians here.
The last few days have been a revelation, literally. First, Pervez Musharraf ‘said’ Pakistan used US weapons for the war on terror to strengthen its defences against India. He then had a change of heart and decided he never answered any such question. Must have been someone else who looked, sounded and spoke just like you, huh? Tsk, tsk, tsk! These lookalikes are such a pain, no? I guess TV footage counts for nothing these days.
As the former commando was busy practicing his backflips and poker face in the realm of international diplomacy, there came another disclosure. It was Pakistan!! Nuclear scientist A Q Khan’s letter screamed at the deaf Americans. Shocking!! You mean Pakistan is actually a rogue state? You mean apart from funding terrorism it’s actually a nuclear proliferator? You mean it’s part of the axis of evil? While the news may be staler than a Doordarshan serial, the evidence, apparently, is not. But the question is who is going to look at it as evidence? Not Uncle Sam. Washington’s too busy supplying our friendly neighbour with sophisticated weapons, the same ones that Mr Musharraf claims were (and then weren’t) targeted at India.
Khan has already lost credibility in the global arena, courtesy Pakistan… and even the US. Why then should his loving letter to his wife make a difference? America may well be waiting for the next 9/11 to strike before it wisens up to the Pakistanis. It’s almost as if the US arms industry is enjoying stuffing Islamabad with the latest in weapons technology along with billions of dollars. It’s like a grown-up painting a target on his posterior and giving an unruly child some metal-tipped shoes.
India is used to this attitude - Americans did this in the 1960s, when Pakistanis used US-made Sherman tanks against India in the 1965 war. Then, they did it again in the 1970s. In the 1971 war, the battlefield was flooded with smouldering US-made Patton tanks while F-104 starfighter jets battled against India’s MiG-21s, Gnats and Hunters. It may be the new millennium but India will continue to pay the price of American misadventures. Some things never change.
Musharraf is actually on a makeover trip. He’s turning into an open book these days… a very dirty open book. The other day he admitted sacking the chief justice was a mistake. But what about Kargil, general? If you are having bouts of guilt at night, why not go the whole hog? Actually, calling the Kargil war a mistake will be the understatement of the century. Try words like disaster or catastrophe.
That’s not all. In another bout of his candour, the general recently said Pakistan’s ISI has links with militants (See post: Don’t state the obvious, Mr Musharraf). I think even the militants won’t appreciate the taint of being linked to ISI. The truth is out there…on the Pak-Afghan border.

Why Superman’s more super than Batman??

Warning: If you are looking for a serious read on a newsworthy topic, you are on the wrong page. This is a biased piece about this blogger’s favourite superheroes. Finishing the article may require certain superpowers.

Batman has been voted the favourite super hero in a new poll and as much as I enjoy Batman films and comics, I can’t agree. I mean come on! The guy doesn’t even have superpowers. It’s funny how every year the favourite super hero is invariably the one whose film gets released that year.

Spider-Man came second in the poll, Superman third, Wolverine fourth and Iron Man fifth. Due to reasons beyond my readers’ control, I shall conveniently ignore the last two.

Let’s start with the clothes. Both Batman and Superman wear their underwear outside their pants, but Batman has that supercool utility belt and some real fancy gloves. He also has a weird hood with two pointy ears. (I wonder what those extra ears are for.) Spider-Man doesn’t have the embarrassing undies but then we wouldn’t like a close-up shot of his groin, would we? And with no space for a mouth in that costume, his mumbling does seem (if you pardon the pun) comic.

Spider-Man also doesn’t have a cape…he can spew one from his palms anytime, I guess, but it might come in the way while climbing a wall. It won’t look good either. It’s like imagining our own ironman Dharmender in a nightgown.

My personal favourite has always been Superman. The ‘man’ can fly after all. It doesn’t get better than that. Add to that some super strength, X-ray vision, heat vision and a super breath and you have a complete superhero without being bitten by a spider or dreaming of bats.

In fact, as a journalist I do have a soft corner for Clark Kent the reporter. Peter Parker is a freelance photographer too, but calling him a journalist is stretching it, while Bruce Wayne is just an eccentric, brooding billionaire. What I can I say? We all have our biases.

The films play a major role in these annual polls. Public memory, as they say, is not too long. So, while Superman has ended up in some really really bad movies, Batman and Spider-Man have these outstanding blockbusters that broke every record on the box office.

The one thing I like about Batman is his dark side. He can be vicious, unlike Superman who’s always goody two shoes. Batman also has the best villains (Joker, Penguin, Mr Freeze) while Superman is more often than not stuck with the greedy Lex Luthor. Even Spider-Man could do with some more charismatic opposition, unless he enjoys sticking to eight-legged freaks.

Having said all this, one thing that really keeps me from really liking Batman is that TV series from the ’60s. True, it was for kids, but seeing comic bubbles saying “biff”, “wham” and “bang” on TV was hilarious, and Robin would end every scene with a ‘holy’ adjective. “Holy penguins Batman!” “Holy poison gas Batman!” “Holy I hate this dialogue Batman”. Oh yeah, Robin’s another reason Batman’s not my favourite. And his costume (which shows more skin than a Baywatch babe) seems more out of Robin Hood’s Sherwood Forest (Is that why he is named Robin?)

Actually, in India, we still see children as the target readership for comics. It’s not so in the West. In 2006, I spoke to president of DC comics Paul Levitz and he said markets in the US and UK started looking at adults as target readers rather than “juveniles” in the late ’70s and early ’80s. Pick any current DC or Marvel comic, the scantily-clad women and the heavy storylines will make you think twice before presenting it to a kid. Anyway, I digressed.

Coming back to superhero list, the comparisons are obviously endless. Spider-Man can swing on his webs, so can Batman…with those fancy ropes from the utility belt. As for Superman…er he doesn’t need to swing. Batman has the (formerly sleek, now transformed into a tank) Batmobile, while Spiderman…is still swinging and Superman, he kind of reaches Siberia by the time Batman turns the ignition.

I think my biased list is pretty clear by now: It’s Superman, Spider-Man, Batman and Sachin Tendulkar… in that order. Up, up and away.

STUDENT LIFE AND MOBILES....

Well, its a common knowledge that youngster loves mobile and thanks to Reliance, Vodafone....they can utilise it too...No problem for me as I am also a subscriber too.

As in a hostel life, I could see there practicalities very much. If not by using them then just by watching my friends all over the place. The fact is, if you are far from home then you are bound to use it regularly. No, I am not telling about being touch with family or friends...its more than that, its girlfriends!!.

Now, I don't have problem with that as its their matter and what am I going to say about it, not until it really mattered to me...when my SLEEP get disturbed. Just a few days ago, I was just as usual going to bed after my studies. Everything was so, quite and peaceful, best time to sleep when you are really tired.
I had my sleep all right but then within fifteen minutes of my sleep, a small murmur waked me up.

I was tired and no mood of listening to it, so I returned to my work...To sleep (now u will think why sleep is work here, u will know it later). As I said I tried to sleep but except for my drowsiness, no sleep came by. Now for half an hour or a hour, its OK but for two hours...its FRUSTRATING!! but I tried on...sleep will come is all just I hoped.

Now, whatever it is, I had ears and they just became an antenna and started receiving their so called sweet girlfriend-boyfriend talk (as if they couldn't have it earlier). Slowly my patience gave away and I told him to go to sleep...NO USE!!.But my mind was on a roll...I was drowsy and irritated..I was abusing the one who made this stuff called mobile, to this Reliance or Vodafone one (whichever he was using) for those free talk offers, I was wishing his mobile gets broken or charge would go but of no use.

I tried to go out for a stroll, then I started reading books under the lamp but it had of no effect on 'mister Asique'. I couldn't concentrate as I was terribly sleepy and tired but does it mattered to him...NO!!. OK ...Then as it was going to be 3:30 am...I could hold no longer and told him to sleep or to go out for his sweet talks. I thought it would have no effect but it did!!

So, he stopped talking to her and put his mobile on the table...Aha! now I felt relieved and had a nice but short sleep.

MOBILES ARE NECESSARY EVILS!!( necessary as I am also using it!!!)