How IPL got me dumped???

Oh boi! am I excited!!! like craazy!! IPL's third season is starting and my team Kolkata Knight Riders match. (Don't worry I am keeping up with each ball's updates right now, thanks to youtube!)

"If you are a normal Indian male, you gotta be into cricket!". Well, even if I don't seem normal at all, I am definitely male! And hence the attraction.

So, this season of IPL reminded me of a conversation I had with my girlfriend last season on the same. (Yes ladies sorry to break all your heart I am not single! And guys even a maniac looser like me has a girlfriend and that too a sizzling hot one! Oh! you loosers *Evil Laugh*) Anyways the conversation:

ME: Hey! I gotta go, the match would be on right now!

GF: Match?? which match? India's match? How many matches do they play in a year?

ME: No dumbo! Its Kolkata vs Hyderabad!

GF: You even watch the domestic matches? Gawd your so vella!

ME: Domestic? Oh babe! Its IPL season! Don't you know I-P-L!

GF: Yeah I do! Courtesy my bro! He is always talking bout it. But whats the big deal? Its still domestic.

ME: No, it is not! Its a league! Indian Premier League!

GF: Indian league.........

ME: Duh! There are international players too!

GF: *confused* I don't get whats the fuss about this IPL with you guys!

ME: *sigh* Okay I'll explain...........just lemme check on the score then on my cell.

GF: Okay!

ME: Okay so IPL has 8 teams Kolkata, Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai, Hyderabad, Punjab, Rajasthan and Bangalore. Each team has some Indian players, and some international players. depends on which teams franchise buys whom.

GF: *shocked* They buy players!!!

ME: Umm.....actually they bid.

GF: Human trading..............isn't it against the law?

ME: errrrr.....Its not human trading!

GF: *blank*

ME: Drop that okay? So you get the rest huh?

GF: umm......Indian and international players make teams and play each other........

ME: Yes! And bollywood stars and big industrialist like Vijay Malya and Ambani have bought these teams! Sharukh Khan, Preity Zinta and  Shilpa Shetty too have bought some teams.

GF: I know SRK has team named KKR!

ME: Yes! The Kolkata Knight Riders!

GF: There are our players in each team?

ME: Yes.

GF: So how do you know which team to support and cheer for?

ME: You pick any one or maybe more...........depends on person and somewhat on the city they live in or belong to! I support Kolkata.

GF: Isn't that regionalism?

ME: NO! Why would it be that?

GF: Instead of supporting the national team, everyone is supporting a team of his city or region.........what else is it, if not regionalism?

ME: *blank*

GF: See its not good.........its bad. You should not watch this IPL infact condemn it for spreading regionalism and spend more time with me! *smiles*

ME: Its not regionalism! Its Cricket for Gawd's sake!

GF: So is Womens cricket! Do you ever watch it?

ME: Now what does Womens Cricket has to do with all this?

GF: Do you know who is Jhulan Goswami?

ME: *dumb stuck*

GF: You don't! And you say you are a cricket fan! She is the captain of Indian Womens Cricket team!

ME: Thats not cricket knowledge! Thats IQ!

GF: IQ?? And the captain of mens team, this would be IQ too?

ME: No! It would be...................instincts.......its so natural to know.......like the sun rises in the east!

GF: And its not natural and normal to posses knowledge about womens cricket team?

ME: No! That would be despo! *Laughs*

GF: Thats so sexist! You are all the same...............Male Chauvinist Pig! I thought you were different! You all are sexist and Regionalist. Damn you male species! Rot in hell all of you and your IPL! 

And she left me, not before she swung her heavy leather bag (stuffed with things I can't, won't, shouldn't, couldn't imagine) in the direction of my chauvinist-pig head!

ME: *mouth open* *eyes wide open* *state of shock* *hair messed up* *shattered rep n ego*

Now, what the hell did I do to piss her off? Explain a girl about the greatest discovery/invention by an Indian and you are a Male Chauvinist Pig!!!! Damn you girls are strange!

(Ladies, I am single now! Boys, stop ROFLing at me!)

Question I'd like to ask the ladies after this incident:

1. Why do all men become "Male Chauvinist Pig" when they do not comply according to your standards or shall I say will?
2. Why punish our dear IPL to rot in hell when we are the Chauvinist-Pig and not the poor innocent IPL?
3. Will I live to see tomorrow's sunrise after publishing this post?

Anyways, KKR won the match against DC that day! YAY!!!!! *happy dance*

Sexing up cricket

So, Gary Kirsten has discovered the magic mantra for success in cricket: Sex. John Buchanan must be saying, “Dang! Why didn’t I think of that?” I believe the recipe also involves a certain individual called Mister..er Master Bate. You’ve got to hand it to him, eh?

I guess winning matches has nothing to do with hard work or training. All it needs is sex, lots of it. We might as well import some Playboy bunnies for our cricket team. They’ll be better to look at too. Don’t get me wrong. I am not one to preach abstinence, but these new ‘coaching’ techniques are a wee bit difficult to fathom. Having said that, if the team wins with this approach, I’d be the first one celebrating. I mean the coach is not suggesting something unnatural…unless he wants this new ‘training’ done on the cricket pitch.

But if bizarre coaching methods are the order of the day, I have some ideas of my own for Gary and the boys. And like Gary, my ideas may not have much to do with cricket either. Here goes:

Dancing classes: Cricket is all about rhythm and there’s nothing like shaking a leg for dancing down the track. Not only will these lessons improve the footwork of our overpaid cricketers but even make their ads seem more bearable. Remember how Sourav Ganguly tried to match Hrithik Roshan in a motorcycle ad. It was like Mother Teresa taking on Michael Schumaccher in a second-hand ambassador. Sreesanth and Bhajji should be exempt from these lessons. They can be sent to anger-management classes instead.

Law and behold: The latest fashion seems to be filing PILs. People seem to misinterpret the meaning of PIL. It’s in interest of the public and not what the public finds interesting. So, we have PILs filed if cricketers go on a dancing show or wear something ‘inappropriate’ or not turn up at award ceremonies. Soon we’ll have PILs filed against cricketers for doing too many ads or missing catches or not hitting enough sixes. With some concerned citizens tottering on the edge of reason, nothing can be ruled out. We need to train our cricketers to avoid antagonizing such trigger-happy citizens. This should include playing good cricket whenever they get time off from doing ads.

Sledging lessons: Sledging has been turned into an art by the Aussies and Indians too are slowly getting there. Now, it’s time to rope in Steve Waugh as a sledging coach. What’s the point of a tirade in Punjabi if the opponent can’t differentiate between mother and bandar? The best part is the players will be able to get under the skin of the opponent without any alleged simian references.

Acting lessons: It’s unfair to torture your countrymen by ‘pretending’ to act in TV commercials. With the obscene amounts spent on them, companies should be allowed to teach cricketers to act. Remember Rahul Dravid in the jam ads. It went Jam jam jammy…I think he may have put some people off that jam with his poker face. Gambhir, Sehwag and company are following in his footsteps. Thankfully, they all can bat better then they can act. Anyway, acting lessons can also help them feign injury on the field to get a runner or a substitute fielder. It also opens up the Bollywood path.

All in all, train them in anything and everything except cricket. The game, after all, has become just a circus in this country. Who needs talent? The abovementioned training methods, combined with Gary’s carnal coaching manual is enough to produce a complete cricketer.

Captain Afridi

Since I am on one of my cynical tirades, I thought why spare Shahid Afridi. The pathan is Pakistan’s new ODI captain. The same man who stayed 19 years old for something like 5 years. Pakistan cricket doesn’t need the Taliban to do any shooting, they pretty much shoot themselves in the foot every now and then.

Afridi, when he gets going, can be like a hurricane that pulverizes everything in its path. Trouble is, he rarely gets going. Oh! Now I get it. Since he won’t be busy scoring runs, he has more time to think about captaincy moves. Brilliant!

Last I checked, Afridi was the bad boy of Pak cricket. He has been involved in a number of dressing room clashes –physical, not just verbal. Making him captain is like making Attilla the Hun the UN Secretary-General. Anyway, his bowling has improved. Let’s hope he doesn’t send Pak cricket deeper into the swamp of ignominy.

Disclaimer: Taking my articles seriously can be injurious to your sense of humour. Please note that this blog is only intended to lampoon people and events.